Image by Buono Del Tesoro from Pixabay
In This Article
- How the memories we focus on shape our emotional life
- Why revisiting the past does not always lead to healing
- The power of choosing which memories we give attention to
- How reframing childhood memories can change the present
- Simple ways to nurture joyful memories and let go of painful ones
Why What You Remember Matters More Than You Think
by Marie T. Russell, InnerSelf.com
Are your memories contributing to your happiness, or to your misery?
Many decades ago, when I remembered my childhood, I remembered mostly the unhappy parts, the challenging parts. I focused on the fact that, prior to the age of five, I was basically raised by various babysitters and caregivers. Then, at five years old, I was trundled off to boarding school and only came home one weekend a month. Then five years later, I was removed from boarding school and lived at home from that time on.
My brother and sister, who were close to each other, were four and five years older than me. They wanted nothing to do with me. They told my mother when she brought me home from the hospital, that they did not want me and that she should take me back. They even said I was a mistake, that some other family had “their” baby, and that I must belong to someone else because I did not have the blond hair and blue eyes that they did.
I am not sharing this so you can think badly of anyone. I am sharing it to honestly present my original memories of my childhood. Those were the memories I carried for years, the ones that told me I was not wanted and that I was not loved.
A Shift That Changed Everything
Later in my life, when I moved to Miami in my late twenties, something began to change. I started meeting people who shared their childhood stories with me. Their experiences included physical and sexual abuse, abject poverty, homelessness, and even living out of a car.
Listening to them, I realized that there were childhood stories far more traumatic and unloving than mine.
That realization changed my perspective. It helped me see that while my childhood had its wounds, it also held moments of care, safety, and joy that I had overlooked.
Choosing What I Give Power To
At that point, I made a conscious decision. I chose to stop giving all my attention to the unhappy memories and to begin looking for the happy ones, the peaceful ones, the moments that had brought me joy.
They were there. I just had not been seeking them. For a long time, my attention had been fixated on the “poor-me” memories, the ones that reinforced a story of being unwanted.
Now, when I think of my childhood, different images come to mind. I remember playing with my dog, going on long bike rides, and living on a farm with cats, dogs, cows, fruit trees. and a big summer garden. I remember my father bouncing me on his knees when I was very young in a game of “giddy-up.” And I recall my mother gently playing the piano after I went to bed.
How Memory Shapes Emotion
Do I feel better about my childhood when I choose to focus on those memories instead of the others? Of course.
That is the heart of this reflection. The memories we give our attention to shape how we feel about our past. And the same principle applies to the present.
When we repeatedly focus on and rehash the painful events of our lives, whether they happened thirty years ago, last month, or earlier today, we quietly close the door to happiness. The only door we leave open is the one leading back to pain.
Dwelling there does not serve our well-being. It feeds our misery and our bad moods, and it carries those same emotional patterns forward into our future.
What Are You Planting for Tomorrow?
So the question becomes simple and clear. What do you want your future to be like? Do you want it to resemble the painful memories of your past, or the joyful ones?
Whatever we place our attention on is what will grow. Like a garden, our inner world responds to care and nourishment. When we tend the seedlings of joy and peace, they have a chance to thrive. When we keep fertilizing the weeds, they inevitably take over.
Cultivating a Kinder Past and a Brighter Future
Creating more joy, happiness, and peace of mind does not require complicated techniques. It begins with choosing your memories carefully.
This does not mean denying what hurt or pretending difficult experiences never happened. It means recognizing that those memories may have served a purpose once, but they do not have to define the story you live by now.
No matter how difficult your childhood was, there are always moments of warmth and happiness woven in. When you choose to focus on those moments and make them the story you tell, you are not only shaping a better future, you are also reshaping how you experience your past.
It Really Is Never Too Late
I was surprised recently when a friend commented on how idyllic my childhood must have been. My first impulse was to contradict her and bring up my old “poor me” stories. Fortunately, I paused.
I realized that she saw my childhood that way because I had never shared the memories I once labeled as unhappy. I had shared the joyful ones.
That realization mattered. Her perception reinforced my own newer way of remembering, and in doing so, it quietly strengthened the foundation I am standing on today.
It turns out the saying is true after all. It is never too late to have a happy childhood.
You can begin creating one now by gently editing out the memories and complaints that no longer serve the life you want to live. You can choose to release the victim stories and instead nurture the memories that bring peace, gratitude, and quiet joy.
Like a garden, you do not need many seeds to begin. Choose one memory to loosen your grip on, and one joyful memory to tend with care. Water it with attention. Let it take root. In time, it can grow into a happier today and a more peaceful tomorrow.
Recommended Books:
These books offer thoughtful perspectives on how the stories we tell ourselves, and the memories we give our attention to, shape the way we experience life. Each one invites us to pause, look again, and consider how choosing a different focus can gently open the door to greater peace, hope, and happiness.
* The Courage to Be Happy: Discover the Power of Positive Psychology and Choose Happiness Every Day
by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga
An exploration of how to build courage and choose happiness by letting go of limiting beliefs and past hurt. Told in a Socratic dialogue format, this book offers practical insights into breaking free from negative patterns and creating a life aligned with joy, meaning, and authentic freedom.
*Look Again: The Power of Noticing What Was Always There
by Tali Sharot and Cass R. Sunstein
Neuroscientist Tali Sharot, together with Cass R. Sunstein, explores how rediscovering overlooked positives can reshape our experience of everyday life. The book explains how our brains adapt to routine and how learning to notice what is good—and what has been there all along—can deepen happiness, satisfaction, and emotional well-being.
* Hope for Cynics: The Surprising Science of Human Goodness
by Jamil Zaki
A timely and research-based exploration of how hopeful, balanced thinking can replace reflexive cynicism. Stanford psychologist Jamil Zaki combines neuroscience, psychology, and storytelling to show how hope can be intentionally cultivated—and how it strengthens empathy, trust, resilience, and personal well-being in an often fractured world.
About The Author
Marie T. Russell is the founder of InnerSelf Magazine (founded 1985). She also produced and hosted a weekly South Florida radio broadcast, Inner Power, from 1992-1995 which focused on themes such as self-esteem, personal growth, and well-being. Her articles focus on transformation and reconnecting with our own inner source of joy and creativity.
Creative Commons 3.0: This article is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 4.0 License. Attribute the author: Marie T. Russell, InnerSelf.com. Link back to the article: This article originally appeared on InnerSelf.com
Article Recap:
The memories we focus on influence how we feel about our past and how we experience our present. By consciously choosing to nurture memories that bring peace and joy, we can reshape not only our future but also our relationship with our past.
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