Why Some People Bring Out the Worst in Us — and Why That’s a Gift

: By Marie T. Russell, InnerSelf.com

Have you ever thought that someone brought out the worst in you? Or perhaps the reverse — that you seem to bring out the worst in them? At first glance, this would seem like a bad thing. After all, who wants to be bringing out the worst in others rather than the best? And why would you want the worst being dredged out of your inner darkness rather than your light?

From a personal empowerment or spiritual perspective, bringing out the worst in yourself is actually part of the growth process. Just like when you're cleaning out your house, you can't get it clean unless you find the garbage and the dirt and throw it out. In the same way, if somebody is bringing out the worst in you, they're helping you first see it, second acknowledge it, and third make a choice as to whether you're going to keep it or remove it from your being.

Years ago, I had a friend who told me something that became one of those “aha” moments that have stayed with me ever since. I had complained that she was always pushing my buttons. She looked at me and said, “Marie, if you didn't have any buttons, I couldn't push them.” That one sentence contained a deep truth. I was the one with the triggers, and if I didn't have any, no one would be able to push them.

Seeing What We’ve Been Carrying Inside

In the same way, if we didn’t have “the worst” within us, no one could bring it out. So the fact that something unpleasant rises up in us obviously shows that it's been living there all along.

The anger, the bitterness, the judgments — all those reactions that come up in a challenging situation — are not caused by the other person. They may have triggered them, of course, but they didn’t create them. These people are simply helping us clean out our "house". They help us bring to the surface what we have kept hidden, not necessarily from others but mostly from ourselves.

The anger that comes rushing out when someone disagrees with us, or doesn’t behave the way we want them to, or tells us truths we haven't been ready to hear, is not their anger — it’s ours. And the sooner we can acknowledge that our anger is not their fault but our own baggage and creation, the sooner we start clearing out the mess that’s been stored in our consciousness — or rather, our unconscious.

And this brings me to something that happened just the other day.

A Personal Example of Buttons Being Pushed

I was having a conversation with a friend, and I must admit, her buttons were definitely being pushed. You see, I consider it my responsibility — when I consider it appropriate — to help others see the things within themselves that they can’t see. And to be fair, I expect my friends to do the same for me.

I believe we are here to help each other, and sometimes that means helping each other recognize the garbage — meaning the resentments, the fears, the angers — that we’ve stored within ourselves as a consequence of our life experiences.

The conversation was about challenges she was having with a mutual friend. As I’m prone to do, I was helping her, or at least trying to help her, see the situation not just the way she saw it and was experiencing it, but from the other person’s perspective as well.

The conversation got a bit heated when she accused me of taking the other person’s side. But I wasn’t taking sides. I was simply encouraging her to look at both sides — not just her hurts and resentments, but also what might be going on with the other person.

Did this push her buttons? Yes. Did it bring out the worst in her? Well, she was cussing a lot, so I would say yes. However, based on my past experiences with her, I know she will reflect on the conversation. She will examine her attitudes and beliefs and eventually get rid of some of the garbage thoughts and resentments she had been storing — not only in her memory but in her projections of the future.

Clearing the Inner House

This is a task that the sooner we all undertake, the better off we will be. A clean, garbage-free inner being is a much happier and healthier state of being. As you may have experienced when having cleared old clutter from your home, you feel lighter. Your life seems to run more peacefully and smoothly, and you think more clearly as well.

In the same way, when you clear the accumulated clutter of resentments and bitterness from your being, your life runs more smoothly, calmly, and joyfully.

Living as I do now on the Big Island of Hawaii, I’ve come to understand something that many residents here also sense: when Mama Pele, the beloved goddess of the volcano, spews out flames, heat, and smoke, she is helping to release the rage, tension, and frustrations that have been accumulating on the planet.

The volcano acts like a pressure cooker that builds pressure until it must release, or until someone touches the safety valve and lets the steam out.

In the same way, when someone pushes our buttons or brings out the worst in us, they are rocking our pressure valve and allowing us to release pressure that has been building inside. Carrying around stress and pressure in our inner being is what leads to dis-ease — the lack of ease — whether physical, emotional, or spiritual.

Preventive medicine is the best approach. And in this case, this means taking care of our inner health by getting rid of our inner garbage before it explodes. So your friend who pushes your buttons is helping you get rid of the causes of disease and unhappiness in your body and thus in your life.

The Gift Behind the Trigger

So the next time someone pushes our buttons, we would be best served to be grateful rather than angry. Why?

We can be grateful that they are helping us release the tension and pressure that have been building up within us.

We can be grateful that they are helping us see the things we have kept buried and hidden deep within ourselves.

We can be grateful that they are helping shed light on these things so we can see them clearly and choose to discard them appropriately by healing the beliefs and attitudes that have led to inner discomfort and stress, and possibly even inner turmoil.

I encourage you (and myself as well) to become aware of the stuff that comes up when our buttons are pushed. In this way, we can choose to clean house, get rid of the mental and emotional clutter, and proceed to live our life free of old resentments, frustrations, and angers.

What will happen when you clean out your inner house, clear the resentments, and heal the old anger? Your body, mind, and spirit will thank you. And, the people who “push your buttons” may turn out to be some of your greatest teachers — not because they rock your boat, but because they help you see what you’ve been carrying all along.

About The Author

Marie T. Russell is the founder of InnerSelf Magazine (founded 1985). She also produced and hosted a weekly South Florida radio broadcast, Inner Power, from 1992-1995 which focused on themes such as self-esteem, personal growth, and well-being. Her articles focus on transformation and reconnecting with our own inner source of joy and creativity.

Creative Commons 3.0: This article is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 4.0 License. Attribute the author: Marie T. Russell, InnerSelf.com. Link back to the article: This article originally appeared on InnerSelf.com

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ARTICLE RECAP

Our toughest emotional reactions often rise from buried memories, resentments, and beliefs we’ve never fully cleared. When someone “pushes our buttons,” they reveal what’s ready to be healed. By recognizing triggers as helpers, we can clean out old emotional clutter and live with greater ease, clarity, and inner peace.

#InnerSelfcom #emotionalhealing #innergrowth
#selfawareness #resilience #lettinggo
#mindfulness #spiritualgrowth #triggers
#mentalclarity #emotionalclutter

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